


Best Laid Plans

by Melk



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Established Relationship, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Iruka had plans, KakaIru Exchange 2020, Kakashi has a delicate system, M/M, Valentine's Day Fail, but not completely?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:22:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29315523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melk/pseuds/Melk
Summary: “Would you like the play-by-play?”“Ahh, well...” Kakashi grimaced. “Maybe just the general idea...”“Well, from what I know, after you were hit, you were brought back to your office, away from general prying eyes, and Sakura-chan made sure you weren’t dying. It seemed like you were largely fine until I got there and then... Well, mostly you were just very insistent that you be allowed to take all your clothes off.”Kakashi eyed Iruka warily. “Did I succeed?”“No, no,” Iruka reassured him. “I rode in like the white knight I am and protected your virtue. Mostly.”
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106
Collections: A Very Special KakaIru Exchange!





	Best Laid Plans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [water_bby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/water_bby/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy! I had lots of fun writing this and trying to incorporate as many pieces of your request as possible into a laughably failed Valentine's attempt on the part of these two fools. Happy 8 years of participating!
> 
> And thanks to SqueakyNinja for the beta!

Iruka sat at his desk, leafing through the latest reports from his senior instructors and flagging which students would need to have their parents called in for an extra session. February marked the end of the second quarter, and those that were still behind were going to need extra help to get over the hurdles of the spring session if they wanted to make it to the graduation exams. He sighed deeply when he got to Anko’s current class. He was going to have to take her aside to ask about several of her concerns... her handwritten notes were illegible. Between the ring-shaped tea stains making the ink run and characters merge and the puncture marks from where she let her snakes nibble on the edge, Iruka had no idea what half of it said. It was unclear if Sora-chan was... spanking the rest? Yanking his vest? Tanking his tests? Iruka could feel a migraine coming on, and that was not how he wanted this day to go. He had _plans_ that night. Significant _Valentine’s_ plans that would be much more fun without the headache.

Just as he closed his eyes and started to massage his temples, there was a sharp rap, and the door was thrown open with a bang.

“Oh Iruka-channnnnn, special delivery!” The headache herself sang out, and Iruka looked up to see Anko carrying a box overflowing with red and pink packages and papers, bits of lace and ribbon spilling over the sides. “You appear to be _quite_ popular this year, yet again.”

She dropped the box with a _thump_ on top of the papers spread over the desk and Iruka huffed, cheeks turning a bit pink as he took in the sheer number of Valentine’s gifts and wishes from the students, past and present. “They do seem to grow each year don’t they,” he laughed a bit and rubbed at the scar across his face in mild embarrassment.

Anko perched on the edge of his desk, peering in at the various gifts and cards, lips curling into a smirk as she snatched one from the top. “And it seems you’re not just popular with the students...” She held it open for him and Iruka’s blush deepened as he read what it was exactly that one of the parents was offering... and how often... and in what positions.

“Yes, yes, ok, that’s enough of that,” he snatched it out of her hands, and shoved it, face down, in a pile of papers as though it might disappear if he didn’t look too closely at it. Anko cackled and continued sorting through the box.

“You know,” she said, picking a package up, shaking it, and setting it next to her on the desk before grabbing another and repeating the process. “It’s a bit unfair that you seem to have so many admirers every year.” Apparently that box didn’t sound right, and she set it back, picking up another. “Out of all of us senior instructors and staff, you’re the only one that’s very publicly coupled up... You’d think all these affections would be redirected to us more deserving folk.”

Iruka snorted at ‘more deserving,’ earning a glare in response.

The next package seemed to be exactly what Anko was looking for, and she gave a feral grin at the rattle inside. The metallic red paper didn’t stand a chance as she shredded it with her nails to reveal pink cherry dango. She had it opened and helped herself to two of the three sticks inside before Iruka could react, humming in contentment with the first bite.

Iruka swiped the box from her, taking the remaining stick and wagging it in her face in admonishment. “Maybe I’m just sweeter than the rest of you, hm?” He winked as he took a bite.

“Ohh?” Anko hummed, raising an eyebrow. “Perhaps we should ask _himself_ for the validity on that one? I don’t think you eat enough fresh fruit to be all that sweet, Iruka-channn.” She winked and smirked around the stick of dango, curling her tongue and hollowing her cheeks in a gesture that left no doubts as to her meaning.

Iruka felt his face heat in response, and rolled his eyes. “What, are you going to organize a taste test? Bring in a panel of independent assessors?”

“Ooo, kinky.” She tapped the empty dango stick on her chin in mock contemplation. “But maybe I should have assumed our illustrious Hokage would be into some sort of swapping or group thing, hmm? Doesn’t something like that happen halfway through _Icha Icha Violence_?”

Iruka snorted and buried his face in his hands. He should have known better than to try and outdo Anko here. She laughed in response and waggled her eyebrows at him when he was able to meet her eyes again.

“Ohhh, Iruka-chan, don’t pretend to innocence... It doesn’t become you.” She tore the wrapping off another box, peeking inside to find chocolate truffles. She tossed him one, before popping another in her mouth. “You forget that I was there for the _New-Years-That-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned_.”

Iruka laughed and waved his hand at her, as though it would clear the air of any possible incriminating evidence. “It can hardly be that if you keep bringing it up,” he pointed out. “Anyway, let’s maybe save the tales of my misspent youth for when we’re not in my office as the headmaster of the Academy?”

“Ah, you’re no longer any fun, Iruka-chan,” Anko pouted at him, stealing another truffle. “You’ve gone and gotten old and married and _boring_.”

Iruka yanked the box of truffles out of Anko’s hands, smacking her knuckles with his empty dango stick when she tried to take them back. “I am most definitively none of those things; 35 is not _old_ , I don’t need to be _married_ , and if you saw what I have stashed under the bed for tonight, you wouldn’t think I was _boring_.”

“Ohhh, hit a nerve there, huh? After eight years, are you starting to worry he’ll never put a ring on it? Methinks the lady doth protest too much, Iruka-channn,” Anko sing-songed, and made another grab for the box of truffles. Iruka gripped harder. “Careful, or you may find yourself needing to prove it.”

This time Anko successfully got her hands back on the box, strengthening her grip and pulling. Iruka went to yank it back when he heard a sharp _POP_ and a felt the puff of displaced air.

Iruka whipped his head around to see the ANBU Boar now standing in the middle of his office. Surprised by the unexpected arrival, his grip on the box loosened just as Anko gave another sharp tug. No longer held back, her momentum sent her flying off the desk, truffles launching all over the room.

To his credit, Boar didn’t flinch at the _thunk_ of Anko hitting the ground. He gave Iruka a short bow in greeting. “Iruka-san. Apologies for the interruption.” Iruka could swear he saw the ANBU’s eyes flick to where Anko was pulling herself off the floor, picking truffles out of her cleavage. “But there’s been an incident. Your presence is required immediately at the Hokage tower.”

Iruka frowned. While an ANBU messenger was not totally out of the ordinary, a summons was. And Boar’s voice was carefully neutral with no indication of what might be wrong. Iruka started to feel the rise of anxiety as images flashed through his mind of just what sort of incident would require his immediate presence. “Is he alright?” Iruka asked, rising from behind his desk to step into the transportation seal Boar was placing on the ground.

“Please, just step forward here. The Hokage’s personal medic is on sight and will explain when we arrive.”

Iruka placed both feet inside the circle of the seal and grasped Boars shoulder, glancing back at Anko. All mischief was gone from her face and she just nodded at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll manage things here.”

He nodded back, and he felt the tug of the seal as Boar activated it. The sigils lit up, expanding outward slowly. Then, with a _whoosh_ of air like that before an explosion, they rushed back in, climbing up Iruka’s legs, pulling both of them downwards. The world twisted and dimmed, and they were gone.

***

They materialized just inside the doors to the Hokage’s office, smoke of the transportation curling around them. Iruka waved his hands to clear it, bringing the scene into view. Off to his left stood Ibiki, hands shoved into the pockets of his overcoat, deep in conversation with Kanako, the head of ANBU Training and Development. She still had her various weapons strapped to her back and her thigh, clearly having arrived directly from a session with the recruits. They broke off from their conversation at the sound of Iruka’s arrival, shifting into loose but ready stances.

“Iruka-sensei!” Iruka turned to see Sakura straighten up from where she was crouched over Kakashi’s prone form. Laid out across the couch, there was no obvious blood or wounds on the man, though that didn’t mean much. Genjutsu could be just as debilitating.

With quick steps, Iruka crossed the room and crouched down next to Sakura, who looked up at him, giving him a tight smile. He glanced down and took Kakashi in. His eyes were closed and the visible part of his face was flushed, but nothing else seemed amiss. “What happened?” Iruka asked.

“Well, first things first, he’s going to be fine, Sensei,” Sakura placed a reassuring hand on his arm and gave a light squeeze. Iruka let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Good. That’s good.” Iruka reached for Kakashi’s hand, grasping it loosely and running his thumb over his knuckles. Kakashi’s fingers flexed in response, but he made no other movement.

“In the grand scheme of things, it’s just a minor accident, but we’ll need you to take him home and sit with him until he’s back on his feet,” She continued. “He might be a bit... off... for the rest of the day.”

Iruka frowned, “Off how? What sort of accident?”

Sakura chewed on her lip, glancing over at Ibiki and Kanako for clearance to speak freely before turning back to Iruka. “He’s been hit by a poisoned senbon. It’s just a tiny nick. It didn’t seem bad at first... it’s a common poison that all ANBU are generally trained to resist.”

Iruka didn’t follow. “But if they’re common for ANBU, shouldn’t he be immune?” Kakashi’s time in black ops really was one of the worst kept secrets in the village.

“Ah...” Sakura started, fidgeting with her medkit, “Well you see, this poison in particular... Well, something like 99.9% of people build immunity with no problems, but the remaining 0.1% can have an adverse reaction even after repeated exposure...”

“What sort of adverse reaction?”

Sakura opened her mouth to answer just as Kakashi made a soft noise and shifted on the couch. Iruka turned to see what was going on and promptly had to throw himself backwards to avoid a direct headbutt to the nose as Kakashi jerked himself in an upright position. With nothing there to stop his forward momentum, Kakashi careened forward, tilting off the couch and ending up face-first in Iruka’s lap.

“Oh, Rukaaaa,” he slurred, voice heavily muffled between Iruka’s legs. “You’re hereeee.” He turned his head to the side as far as he could in the strange, twisted position he was in, and opened his eyes, mouth sliding into a ridiculous grin underneath the mask as he blinked up at Iruka.

Iruka sat back, stunned. This was... not what he had been expecting. He glanced over at Sakura, who avoided looking at either one of them in favor of closing up her kit. He glanced back down at the Kakashi and watched as he blinked once, twice, then turned his head to burrow into Iruka’s lap, rubbing his face back and forth generally at what he found there.

“Whoa!” Iruka grabbed him by his upper arms and pulled him upright before the situation could escalate. “Kakashi, what the...” Kakashi gave Iruka what must have been intended to be a leer, but it looked like the expression was just melting off his face, and he made an attempt to dive forward again.

“Hey now!” Iruka reinforced his grip with chakra and pushed Kakashi back until the man was draped over the back of the couch, head lolling to the side. He tried to turn and look back at Iruka, but his gaze kept slipping. Eventually his eyes rolled back and he seemed to be watching the ceiling.

“Oh, Sensei, did you come to watch the colors with me? I tried to get Kan-chan and Ibiki-kun to watch with me but they’re no fun. They’re never any fun. But you’ll be fun, yes?” Kakashi scrunched up his face and giggled, slumping further.

Iruka gaped at Kakashi. The flush seemed to intensify on his face and he wiggled his butt from side to side.

“What the hell?” Iruka turned to glare at Ibiki and Kanako, still holding Kakashi upright. Relatively.

Neither responded immediately, avoiding Iruka’s pointed stare. Oh, this was not going to do, not going to do at all. “I’m assuming this has something to do with you two.” The silence continued. “At least one of you knows _something_ and black ops or not, I will get answers from you,” he ground out, pointing an accusatory finger at one, then the other. The silence stretched on, until he saw it... the minute shifting of feet and the flex of a hand.

He loosened his grip on Kakashi to turn and face the two of them completely. The man fell sideways before Iruka could react, head knocking with a painful-sounding _thump_ against the arm of the couch. He didn’t seem bothered by it, though, if his giggle was any indication.

Kanako’s eyes flicked to look at their fallen leader and back to the indeterminate space behind him. _Ah ha_ , Iruka smirked. He was right... A crack in the armor.

“Kanako-san,” he cajoled softly, “I know we don’t know each other very well... Perhaps it’s best to let you know that any rumors you might have heard are not exaggerated; I can be quite adept at holding a grudge.” 20-year veteran of the black ops she might be, but at Iruka’s tone, she visibly flinched. “It might be in your best interest to remember that your son will be eligible for the graduation exam in a year or so... It would be a terrible tragedy for him if he found himself held back over something as silly as an explanation...”

Kanako flushed at being caught out, but the threat seemed to have its desired intention. “Like Sakura-san said, it looks a lot worse than it is, Sensei...” she said finally. “It was just a routine visit to observe the new ANBU recruits as they ran through training exercises... and one of the rookies got a little star-struck. It threw his aim off, and Rokudaime got nicked.” She paused and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “It was just a scratch, really, but we’ve been working on building up their tolerance to common poisons and, well... like Sakura-san said, Hokage-sama has a history of not tolerating this one well.”

Iruka narrowed his eyes, glancing back at the couch where Kakashi had rolled over again, head drooping to the other side. He was reaching up towards the ceiling, grasping randomly at something in the air that only he could see and making _whooshing_ noises while Sakura was trying desperately to encourage him to lie back down. “What history?”

“Ah, well, that’s still classified...” Kanako trailed off, hopeful that Iruka would let the story die there. Ibiki rolled his eyes and gestured for her to continue.

She heaved a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose as if she was the one who was most put-out by the whole situation. “Well... _confidentially_ ,” she glared at Ibiki, “something like fifteen years ago, a certain someone’s team was coming back from Grass when all members were hit by this same poison. Three of them were fine but they hardly made it a quarter of a mile back before he was getting all...” She gestured and Iruka turned to see that Kakashi had pulled both his pants and his underwear down to his ankles and was fighting to get them off over his shoes, wiggling in a way that had him dangerously close to going ass over tea kettle onto the floor, exposing himself in all his… _questionable_ glory to everyone present. Iruka made a strangled noise, caught between annoyance and horror at what would come next (and the brief thought that he should just let it happen, because _honestly_ what the fuck). He lunged, grabbing the man by his vest and yanking him upright back onto the couch. The Hokage robes were shoved unceremoniously over Kakashi like a shield and Iruka turned to see Sakura averting her face, expression torn between acting medical professional and horror at being faced with her sensei’s junk.

“Anyway,” Ibiki picked up where Kanako left off, amused rumble in his voice. “According to the mission report, Cat refused to carry him back without guaranteed hazard pay, chain of command be damned, and it was generally agreed that Crow was too young to be groped by his captain, so Kanako-chan drew the short straw.”

The woman in question made a face, clearly hoping this story would have been taken to the grave. Or at least that she would have gone unnamed.

Ibiki either didn’t notice or didn’t care about the rising killing intent radiating next to him as he continued. “There was a rejected application for hazard pay attached to the mission report in the archives... It appears our illustrious leader... How was it phrased?” He smiled evilly at Kanako, clearly enjoying all of this too much. “Ah yes, I believe it was ‘held onto Hawk’s breasts like handles all the way back, occasionally squeezing and making honking noises.’” Ibiki paused, looking thoughtful. “To be honest, if I had ever thought he understood women, that cleared it up for sure.”

From behind Iruka on the couch, Kakashi shouted a slurred “HONK,” and snorted a laugh before sliding down the back a bit more as the Hokage robes on his lap slid up, perilously close to exposing himself again. Kanako looked like she was one step away from murder.

Iruka turned to Sakura. “As his medic, how do you suggest we stop... all this?” he gestured vaguely at Kakashi, who now was very focused on undoing the straps on his vest and trying to tug it, along with his shirt, up and over his head.

“Oh for the love of—” Iruka rolled his eyes and lunged forward again, grabbing the hem of Kakashi’s shirt and trying to pull it back down.

“But Senseiiii,” Kakashi whined, swatting at Iruka’s hands. “You know I don’t like it when my shirt covers my penis.”

In lieu of responding to the original question, Sakura made a sound like a dying animal and buried her face in her hands, either unwilling or unable to help.

Iruka was beside himself. Kakashi was out of his mind with whatever this was and clearly it wasn’t ending anytime soon. The migraine from earlier threatened to come back full-force, and all thoughts of Valentine’s fun, everything he had so carefully been plotting for that evening, evaporated with each slurred giggle and half-assed attempted groping. He was so done with all of them. His boyfriend and his ridiculous, delicate system most of all. Illustrious leader, indeed.

“All right,” he said, forcibly grabbing Kakashi’s pants and pulling them back over his hips, glaring at the man as he once again tried to wiggle back and out. “Listen up, all three of you. As you have officially contributed to this and ruined all my plans for this evening, you are each going to do something for me. And if you do those things, I will take this...” he smacked Kakashi’s hand away from where he was cupping his own balls, “ _situation_... and get it home.”

Kanako huffed and crossed her arms. “I put up with this _twice_ and somehow I still manage to end up _giving_ gifts,” she muttered.

Iruka turned to give her a sharp look. “Or I could share that someone had their boobs honked all the way from Grass if a deal seems unfair? Or maybe change a few graduation requirements?”

She flushed again at the threat and held her hands up in surrender.

Gripping Kakashi’s wrists in one hand and holding them away from his waistline, Iruka turned to level a stern look at the others. “Ibiki: you will go to Shikamaru and you will inform him that the Hokage is taking tomorrow as a sick day. I don’t care what solution you two work out to fill in any meetings, the sick day is non-negotiable. He will not be coming in. Sakura: you will deliver to our house the IV drip with your best remedy for managing poison hangovers. Not the one you usually give out that leaves people with enough of a headache to regret getting hit. _The good shit_. And finally, Kanako: you are going to go into your family’s cellars and bring me a bottle of that Junmai Nigori I know your grandfather secretly imports from Iron. The one where they only make a few bottles every decade. You three will do this for me, and I will deal with the rest of... this.”

 _This_ was now leaning forward and pursing its lips under the mask in a mad, off-kilter attempt at a kiss. Iruka slapped his free hand across Kakashi’s face and pushed him back.

“Am I understood?” he asked, loudly, when no one responded. “I’d hate for it to become public knowledge that our own elite ANBU leaders can’t keep the Hokage safe inside the village...”

There was the clearing of a throat and three voices muttering agreement.

“Good. I’m glad we are on the same page.”

“Hey, hey,” Kakashi broke in, pausing in his attempts to disrobe and lurching closer to Iruka to whisper in his ear. “Hey, Tenzo likes women... We should set them up. Maybe she’d be more fun if she got some of that... _wood_.” He leered, clearly pleased with the horrible pun.

Unfortunately, the whisper was probably loud enough to be heard in Suna. Clearly, it was loud enough to be heard by the woman in question if the indiscriminate noise of rage behind Iruka meant anything.

“I’ll be sure to let him know you’re trying to sell him off next time he’s home, Hokage-sama,” she ground out in response.

Iruka rolled his eyes at the giddy, hopeful look in Kakashi’s eyes. “You’re almost a decade too late with that one,” Iruka reminded him, finally succeeding in fastening the man’s pants. He looked up in time to see Kakashi’s face fall comically in response.

“So she’ll never be any fun?”

It was Ibiki who choked on a terribly concealed laugh that time, followed by a loud _crack_ , as Kakako hit him hard enough that he flew into the wall, leaving a dent.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

Iruka hauled Kakashi up by his vest to a standing position, and the man immediately listed dramatically to the right, leaving Iruka to hold him up.

And Iruka was done. He gave the other man a rough shake until he met Iruka’s eyes with his own unfocused gaze. “Kakashi! Enough. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

“Ohhh, Senseiii,” Kakashi said dreamily and slumped further into Iruka’s hold. “The hard way? Is that a promise?”

There was a thump as Sakura slid to the floor, head between her knees, making a terrible wheezing noise. For the love of all that was holy, Iruka wished he could revoke her graduation at that moment. He was ready to just knock Kakashi over the head and wait out the rest of this with the other man unconscious.

Instead, Iruka crouched down, gripping Kakashi around his thighs, and threw the taller man over his shoulder. If he wouldn’t walk, he would have to deal with being carried.

But Iruka miscalculated. Kakashi giggled in response and before Iruka could take a step towards the exit, there was a loud _CRACK,_ and he felt a sharp sting where Kakashi’s hand came down hard on his ass. “Oh, Senseiii,” Kakashi cooed, now grabbing both cheeks and squeezing. “You always treat me to the best visuals.”

Face flaming, Iruka shoved the window open with a bang. He wondered if the council would mind if Naruto had to take over a few years early because his predecessor was found suffocated to death with his own robes. Behind him, there was a chorus of choking and wheezing, as he could only imagine the three of his now least favorite people in the world were doubled over and laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe.

And to add insult to injury, or perhaps because he felt he needed to go out with a flourish... just as Iruka maneuvered them over the windowsill, Kakashi took a deep breath and burst into the _Icha Icha_ theme song, off-key warbling trailing behind them as Iruka dragged his intoxicated ass home.

***

It was close to 11pm when Iruka finally heard the rustle of bedsheets next to him and a loud groan. He placed his book down on the nightstand and looked over to see Kakashi trying in vain to sit up, struggling with the line of the IV in his arm.

“How are you feeling there, stud?” he teased.

“What the fuck.” Kakashi’s voice scratched like someone had taken sandpaper to his throat. He fumbled with the IV line until Iruka placed a hand over his to calm the frantic motion. Shifting so he was kneeling next to him on the bed, Iruka pulled the needle out with a practiced tug. He reached over Kakashi to place it on the nightstand and took his forearm in his hands, massaging gently where the line had been. Kakashi hummed contentedly in response.

“You’ve had quite the day, huh?”

“So it would seem,” Kakashi scrubbed his free hand over his bared face, and sighed. “I couldn’t tell you half of it, though. I remember some paperwork, Shikamaru’s terrible office coffee, the start of ANBU training and then....” he gave a small frown and shrugged. “Nothing.”

“Ahh,” Iruka leaned back, dropping Kakashi’s arm to the sheets and avoiding his eyes. “Well, maybe that’s for the best...” he trailed off, affecting a sheepish tone.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Iruka’s response, not convinced, and leaned forward to poke him in the chest. “Oh, no, don’t think you’re going to get out of it like that... I black out observing ANBU training and wake up in bed with you almost ten hours later with an IV in my arm? The good shit, too. You clearly know something.”

Oh, he certainly knew something. He knew that after he had gotten Kakashi home and out of his uniform (Kakashi had loved this), into some pajamas (he had not loved this), into bed (he had loved this for the hot second he thought Iruka was coming too), and hooked up to the IV Sakura supplied (he aggressively had NOT loved this until the drug cocktail knocked him out, at which point Iruka loved it), it was now Iruka’s turn to get a little of his own back.

Iruka shrugged, putting on his most innocent, demure sensei act, “Well, if you’re sure...” Kakashi rolled his eyes and Iruka laughed. He leaned forward then and tapped Kakashi lightly on the neck over the small bandage that had been placed there. “You got nicked by a stray senbon.”

Kakashi’s eyebrows drew together in confusion and his hand came up to cover the bandage. “That doesn’t seem like enough.”

“It was poison testing day, apparently, and you got hit with a special dose.”

Kakashi frowned properly in response to that and rubbed absently at the covered scrape. “What the hell sort of stuff are Ibiki and Kanako exposing them to? I didn’t sign off on anything like this.”

“Ah, well... It was explained to me that this one is actually very common. And 99.9% of people have no reaction at all after building up a tolerance.” As Iruka continued, a look of horror started to spread slowly across Kakashi’s face.

“Oh. Oh, no.”

Iruka smirked then, unable to hold onto his ‘supportive boyfriend’ mask any longer. “Yes. Very much so. Everyone was very helpful when it came to explaining your rather... vigorous response. Though I think it might be a while before Sakura-chan will be able to look you in the eye again.”

“Oh, God,” Kakashi groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“You appear to be quite special, indeed, dear,” Iruka teased, leaning forward and pulling Kakashi’s hands away to kiss him lingeringly on the cheek. “Only 0.1% of people seem to have that reaction.”

Kakashi’s face was practically glowing it was so red with embarrassment when he looked up at Iruka. “What, uh... What exactly did I do this time?”

“Would you like the play-by-play?”

“Ahh, well...” Kakashi grimaced. “Maybe just the general idea...”

“Well, from what I know, after you were hit, Ibiki-san and Kanako-san brought you back to your office, away from general prying eyes, and Sakura-chan made sure you weren’t dying. It seemed like you were largely fine until I got there and then... Well, mostly you were just very insistent that you be allowed to take all your clothes off.”

Kakashi eyed Iruka warily. “Did I succeed?”

“No, no,” Iruka reassured him. “I rode in like the white knight I am and protected your virtue. Mostly.”

Kakashi didn’t look convinced. He perhaps knew Iruka too well for that.

Iruka shrugged. “The mask stayed on?” he supplied, helpfully. The color drained from Kakashi’s face at the implication.

“Well, it was certainly nothing _I_ hadn’t seen before.”

Kakashi made a small, pained noise.

“Like I said, Sakura-chan might need a few days before she can talk to you again. Or a week. Or maybe just the next annual physical? Or maybe she’ll just ask Shizune to handle it from now on.” At the look on Kakashi’s face, Iruka burst out laughing. “Ok, ok, I’ll stop. Come here, you big dork.” He slid under the blankets and stretched out next to Kakashi, tugging on his stiff form until the man sighed and relaxed into Iruka’s side. He went almost boneless when Iruka slid his fingers into his wild hair, rubbing soothing circles on his scalp.

“Hmm, well I suppose getting naked isn’t the end of the world,” Kakashi murmured finally.

Iruka hummed in agreement and continued absently playing with Kakashi’s hair.

“It _was_ just naked, yes?” Iruka didn’t respond. Kakashi pulled back slightly to look him in the eye, “Iruka...”

“There were some words, but,” Iruka waved his free hand in the air as though it didn’t matter.

Kakashi’s eyes widened a bit. “Do I even want to know what I was saying?”

“Ehhh...” Iruka trailed off and dropped his gaze, making a bit of a face. “Well, maybe a small apology to Kanako-san wouldn’t hurt. She feels terrible for ruining _my_ Valentine’s plans, but I’m not sure if that extends to you.”

Kakashi looked properly horrified at that. “What...?”

“You implied that she wasn’t much fun...”

“Not much fun?”

“Ah... and then you pointed out that Yamato-san likes women, and maybe we should set them up because she might be more fun if she ‘ _got some wood.’_ ”

Kakashi’s eyes went wide and he groaned loudly, burying his face in Iruka’s chest where he could feel the answering rumble of his amusement.

“Oh, don’t be so embarrassed... It could be worse; you could have suggested a man she hadn’t chosen to procreate with.”

Kakashi looked up, shaking his head, “No, it’s not that... It’s just...” he heaved a dramatic sigh. “I can’t believe I resorted to such a terrible and obvious innuendo. I’ll never forgive myself.”

Iruka laughed again, “Well, just be careful. Like I said, she feels bad for ruining my night, but I’m not sure about yours.”

Kakashi huffed and tucked his head back into Iruka’s shoulder, nuzzling at his neck. “It does seem as though the night has been ruined, hm? I know you had been planning something. I saw the boxes under the bed...” he looked up and gave Iruka a small, apologetic smile. “Maybe I can decommission the rookie for hitting his Hokage and causing him to ruin his boyfriend’s sexy plans?” he offered. “Or perhaps fire my heads of T&I and black ops training for their terrible timing?”

Iruka chuckled and pulled him closer. “Oh, don’t be so hard on the kid. He couldn’t know that you have such a _delicate_ system.”

Kakashi groaned in response. “Please don’t go around saying it like that. People will start to respect me even less than they already do.”

Iruka laughed. “The other two... Well, maybe hold off on firing them. I’m sure we can con them into more guilty favors instead.”

Kakashi looked up to meet Iruka’s eyes and raised an eyebrow at that. “More? My, my Sensei, have you been busy with blackmail while I’ve been out of my mind?”

Iruka gave a smug smile in response and held up a finger to have him wait. He untangled himself from the bed to disappear back into the living room for a second, and when he returned, he passed Kakashi a bottle of sake with a note tied to the neck, sliding back under the covers. “Well, this one in particular arrived earlier tonight.”

The note simply read “ _Gomen, Sensei_ ” and was marked at the bottom with a short vertical line with a dot on either side.

Kakashi gave a low whistle at the bottle. “Damn. She really does feel bad.” He paused and looked up a little sheepishly at Iruka before passing it back. “But, ah, maybe we save this for later, when my system is feeling a bit less... delicate.”

Iruka snorted and placed the bottle on the nightstand. “Yes, dear.”

He turned back to Kakashi, pulling him close again. “I really did have a whole thing planned...” he sighed, sadly.

“Mmm, I noticed,” Kakashi leaned up to pull something from behind the headboard and held up a rather serious-looking series of straps that had been previously hidden under the bed. He gave Iruka a very pointed look. “And everyone thinks I’m the deviant... My, my, Sensei. It’s quite the complex set. Eight years in and you are still full of surprises.”

Iruka straightened up with all the dignity he could, but was unable to hide the slight flush rising on his cheeks. He snatched the complicated ropes from Kakashi’s hand and shoved it under the pillow. “I prefer adventurous… or creative.”

Kakashi laughed and leaned in for a noisy kiss. “You are certainly that.”

Iruka huffed and turned his face so Kakashi got his cheek instead. Kakashi heaved a mock put-upon sigh and Iruka gave up the act, catching him by the shirt before he could pull back, wrapping a leg around his hips to pull him closer. He slid his hands into Kakashi’s hair to deepen the kiss, and the other man made a soft noise of approval against Iruka’s mouth, allowing his weight to settle across Iruka’s hips. He dragged his palm down Iruka’s chest, fingers toying with the hem of his pajama shirt before slipping under to tease against his skin where it met the waistband of his pants. Iruka pushed into the sensation, encouraging more, causing Kakashi to huff a laugh, warm breath ghosting across Iruka’s lips, and he shivered. Kakashi slipped his hands fully under Iruka’s pajama top in response, tugging it up to slide across the smooth muscle they found there. Iruka arched up as Kakashi’s thumb found his nipple, sending a frisson of pleasure down his spine and Iruka ground their hips together in a slow wave, moaning into the kiss and tugging at Kakashi’s hair.

Kakashi’s eyes slid shut and his hips jerked down in response, groaning at the sensation. He hummed, breaking away to drag a series of hot, open-mouthed kisses along the line of Iruka’s jaw, nuzzling under his ear before scraping his teeth lightly down Iruka’s neck and sucking on his pulse point.

“You know...” he murmured softly into the skin there and Iruka shivered. “I think there might still be a little bit of that poison left in my system… I suddenly feel the need to take all my clothes off.” Iruka let out a short laugh and Kakashi glanced up at him, grinning rakishly through the fall of his hair. “Maybe you could help me work it out a little faster, _Sen-sei_?”

Iruka felt need flash white-hot through him at the rough timber of Kakashi’s voice and what he was promising. He dragged his nails down Kakashi’s biceps in response, digging into the muscle there and shifting his grip to flip them over, breath coming quicker. He straddled Kakashi’s hips, reveling in the tremors running through the other man as Kakashi struggled to stay in control, color high in his cheeks and spreading down his neck to disappear under the old t-shirt he was wearing. Smirking down at him, Iruka rolled their hips together again just to watch Kakashi’s eyes slide shut and head tip backwards, groaning at the friction.

Iruka leaned close and whispered low and hot in Kakashi’s ear. “Of course, Rokudaime-sama... I serve at the pleasure of the Hokage.”

Kakashi made a sound deep in his throat at that, hands flexing on the sheets restlessly before coming up to skim over Iruka’s thighs and around his hips to grasp his ass and pull him forward and down again, arching up in counterpoint as he chased the sensation. Iruka bit back a moan at the feeling of Kakashi’s body straining underneath his. God, he wanted more. Wanted to watch, wanted to taste. He knocked Kakashi’s hands away, gathering both wrists in one hand as he leaned forward, grasping at the hem of Kakashi’s shirt with the other and yanked it up over his head, tangling it around his arms. Iruka twisted the fabric around a few times, effectively trapping the other man. Kakashi’s eyes widened slightly, and Iruka watched the lean muscle of his arms flex as he pulled against the restraint, testing. Iruka licked his lips at the view and gave a sharp tug at the binding at the same time as he ground down again with his hips, dragging the hot line of his still-clothed cock along Kakashi’s, tearing a groan deep from the man’s throat, his legs falling open further and hips rolling up.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Kakashi moaned, choking on his breath. Iruka felt his own control slip further as he watched Kakashi come apart, muscles twisting and flexing as he writhed under him, flush deepening and spreading further down across his chest. So Iruka gave in, leaning down and running his tongue over the newly exposed skin, tracing scars with his mouth while scratching his nails lightly down the ridges of Kakashi’s abdomen.

“God, please. Iruka, _please._ ” Kakashi had his eyes shut against the sensations, jaw tight, tossing his head back and forth on the pillow.

Iruka gave a low laugh, running a fingernail down one side of the X of scar tissue that spanned Kakashi’s chest. “I wonder if anyone else knows just how easy it is to reduce you to begging, hm?” Kakashi groaned, long and low, as Iruka scraped his teeth up the other side of the scar. “You’re so easy to take apart. I bet I barely get my mouth on you before I have you cumming. Should we find out?”

Kakashi made a desperate noise, breath stuttering at Iruka’s words, tugging at the restraints and arching up with a roll of his hips. Iruka laughed, letting his breath fan out over Kakashi’s skin, smirking at the low whine it dragged out. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Iruka rose up, leaning his weight into where he still gripped Kakashi’s wrists, slowly dragging the fingers of his other hand up Kakashi’s chest, increasing the pressure as he got to his throat before gripping his chin, forcing the other man’s face up to meet his eyes.

“I’m going to let go now. Are you going to behave and keep your hands where I put them, or are you going to be bad like earlier?” Iruka could feel Kakashi’s throat work under his hand as he swallowed, jaw tight. He grasped the headboard in response.

“I’ll behave.”

“Good.” Iruka increased the pressure briefly, and Kakashi’s eyes rolled back and he pressed into Iruka’s grip. Iruka made a small, desperate noise in the back of his throat at the submission, unable to control the tremors in his hands as Kakashi’s responses pushed his patience. He took a slow breath and released him to make his way down Kakashi’s body, every response from the man ratcheting up the want and desire that thudded in his veins.

He could hear Kakashi’s breath come faster with each nip, each teasing curl of the tongue. He whined, hips stuttering in desperate little jerks as he tried to encourage Iruka to shift his attention, but he gave no quarter. Kakashi kept his word, though, hands gripping the bottom edge of the headboard in the effort to remain where Iruka told him.

This earned him a pleased rumble as Iruka paused, glancing up coyly through his lashes to meet Kakashi’s eyes, pausing at the waistband of his sleeping pants, breath warm against where his cock was tenting the fabric. Close enough to tease, but apparently not what he wanted. Kakashi rolled his hips up, but Iruka gripped them hard, pushing him back down before he could get anywhere close to Iruka’s mouth.

Smirking, Iruka held his gaze as he licked his lips slowly. Kakashi’s eyes flicked down to follow the motion. “Eager, aren’t we? Should we place bets? I bet I swallow around you once, and it’s enough.”

Kakashi felt like he was going out of his mind for the second time that day, Iruka’s words burning through his veins, making his blood pound and his breath come short. The headboard creaked in protest as he funneled chakra into his grip as he desperately tried to obey instructions. Iruka trailed light fingers along the edge of his pants, down the outside of his thighs, pausing at his knees. Grasping, he pushed Kakashi’s legs further apart so he could settle completely in between before dragging his palms up his inner thighs, stopping just short of where Kakashi wanted. He groaned in frustration, shifting his hips. Iruka gave a dark laugh that made Kakashi arch as desire rolled down his spine in waves, settling behind his balls and causing them to tighten. Maybe Kakashi did still have some of the poison in his system because he was terribly close already. A little bit more and Iruka was sure he could get him to come from words alone. He had done it before.

But not this time. Instead Iruka slid his hands up to the waist of Kakashi’s pants and slowly pulled them down, tucking the band under his balls, biting his lip in false innocence as he watched Kakashi’s cock bob free from the fabric, tip slick with pre-cum. He glanced up at Kakashi’s face and gave an evil little smile when he saw the other man watching him closely, lips parted and pupils blown wide in desire.

“Now, let’s see if I’m right,” Iruka said, sliding his hands back up until he reached Kakashi’s hips, thumbs digging into the lean muscle there. And with a wink, he grasped hard, holding Kakashi down on bed and took his cock into his mouth, licking pre-cum off the tip in a tease before taking it down to the root and swallowing.

It was enough; Kakashi threw his head back, hips jerking against Iruka’s grip, eyes shut, and groaning deep in his chest as he felt Iruka’s throat tight around his cock, the heat and pressure pushing him over the edge.

Iruka watched Kakashi ride it out, working him with hands and mouth before pulling back with a final swipe of his tongue across the head. He licked his lips, mouth sliding into a smug grin, stroking his fingers over Kakashi’s spent cock, enjoying how the other man shuddered at the overstimulation.

“Fuck,” Kakashi said thickly, breath coming hard. He knocked Iruka’s wrists with his bound hands, fingers still clumsy from release, to stop the motion. He shook his head. “Too much.”

Iruka gave a soft smile and leaned up to kiss him instead. Kakashi responded languidly, humming at the taste of himself on Iruka’s tongue.

He broke off to press his lips to the side of Iruka’s jaw. “God, Iruka,” he murmured into the skin there, breath starting to even out. “Your fucking mouth.”

Iruka laughed, tilting his head to allow Kakashi more access, “Mmm, you liked that then?”

Iruka felt more than heard Kakashi’s answering chuckle. “Ha, yes, that, clearly. But who knew you had such a dirty mouth, Sensei.”

“You do. And you like it.”

Kakashi laughed at being called out, “Yes, I do.”

Iruka pulled back to smirk down at him, biting his lower lip coyly before running the tip of his tongue along it, enjoying how Kakashi's gaze dropped to track the movement.

But two could play at that game. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Iruka’s scrutiny and leaned back slightly, reaching his still bound arms up over his head and arched into a stretch, putting himself on display. Iruka took a sharp breath at the picture Kakashi made, hard muscle glazed with sweat, face and chest flushed from orgasm, silver hair wild.

Kakashi smirked at the obvious desire on Iruka’s face. Shaking his hands out of the t-shirt binding, he reached for Iruka’s hips, smoothing them around to his ass and tugging him forward. “Mmm, come up here and let me return the favor then.”

Iruka let himself be pulled up until he straddled the top of Kakashi’s chest where he rested against the headboard. Holding his gaze, Kakashi leaned forward, mouthing at Iruka’s dick through his pants, chuckling at the way his hips jerked forward.

Iruka gasped, eyes sliding shut and hands flying forward to grasp at the headboard to keep himself upright. “If you-” he choked on his breath as Kakashi sucked hard at the head of his cock through the fabric. “-insist.”

Kakashi pulled back, mouth curling into an evil little smile when Iruka whined at the loss of contact. He ran his hands across Iruka’s ass, squeezing and kneading the muscle a few times before sliding his fingers under the waist of his pants and pulling them down to his thighs.

He lifted one hand to Iruka’s face, stroking his jaw until the other man opened his eyes and looked down at him. Kakashi’s mouth was inches from his cock, breath teasing and causing it to jerk at the sensation.

“Oh, I insist,” he murmured, tongue reaching out to trace a line from the base to the tip. Iruka sucked in a sharp breath at the combination of the visual with the sensation, and Kakashi looked immensely pleased with himself. “I believe I owe you for taking care of me all day, after all,” he said and took the head of Iruka’s cock into his mouth and sucked.

Iruka gasped and his hips jerked forward involuntarily, chasing the heat of Kakashi’s mouth. He could feel the other’s man’s amusement as he took Iruka to the root, humming, before sliding back to run the tip of his tongue under the ridge at the base of the head. He dropped his hand from Iruka’s face to grasp the base of his cock, squeezing and working it in rough counterpoint to his mouth as he swallowed back down.

Iruka was rapidly losing any grip on his control, pleasure surging through his body as Kakashi worked him with a steady rhythm. He dropped a hand from the headboard to weave his fingers into Kakashi’s hair, grasping tightly and pulling. The groan it provoked in response vibrated along Iruka’s dick, igniting in his belly and tightening his balls. He fought the urge to give in and just fuck Kakashi’s face, but it was getting harder and harder to resist at the obscene imagine the man presented: face flushed, mouth spit-slick and shiny, stretched thin around Iruka’s cock, dark eyes watching him the whole time.

But it was when the hand that had been grasping Iruka’s ass shifted and Kakashi’s fingers brushed against his hole, circling once, that he lost it.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Iruka gasped, fingers tangling and yanking hard at Kakashi’s hair as the man took him deep at the same time as he dipped the tip of his finger into Iruka’s ass, bringing the haze of pleasure into sharp focus. Iruka threw his head back with a groan as he fell over the edge, entire system on fire as the other man swallowed around him.

And then Iruka pretty much broke as Kakashi pulled back, hand still roughly working Iruka’s cock and groaning as Iruka’s cum hit his face and neck, smearing across his mouth as he leaned back in to suck the last of it down.

Iruka moaned, long and low, at the picture Kakashi made like that, before collapsing to the side, breathing hard. “Shit,” he muttered. “Yes, ok, you’re forgiven for earlier.”

Kakashi gave a hoarse chuckle and Iruka opened his eyes in time to watch him catch Iruka’s cum from his chin with his thumb, tongue flicking out to lick it off, mouthing at the tip. Iruka groaned weakly at the visual, pulling Kakashi down and kissing him hard and deep.

“You’re a ridiculous, impossible man.” Iruka said against his lips and Kakashi laughed in response. He pulled back far enough to tug Iruka’s shirt over his head, using it to wipe the rest of the cum off himself before tossing it aside and turning off the lamp. Now, skin to skin, he wrapped his arms tightly around Iruka, pulling him closer still, and buried his face in his hair, breathing deep.

“Maybe, but I’m your ridiculous, impossible man.”

Iruka smiled at that as his body started to relax into sleep, content with Kakashi’s heartbeat strong and sure next to his. “Mm, yes. Delicate system and all.”

Kakashi gave an indignant huff. “Absolutely no respect.”

Iruka turned his face into Kakashi’s neck, smiling into his skin. “Hm... maybe in another eight years. But you’re going to have to convince me it’s deserved.”

Kakashi hummed sleepily in response. “I’d give you forever, Sensei,” he murmured. “You just have to ask.”

Iruka’s breath caught at the implication, heart stuttering. He pulled back to look Kakashi in the eye and demand he expand on that, but was greeted instead by a soft snore. The man had drifted off, system over-taxed and worn out from the day’s events.

Iruka rolled his eyes. Of course he’d say something like that and pass out before he had to explain. And he was well and truly out, features relaxed and mouth open slightly as he made those snuffling little snores that he vehemently denied whenever Iruka teased him, comparing him to his ninkin.

Iruka sighed, but a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he lay back down, tucking his face into the curve of Kakashi’s shoulder and wrapping a possessive arm around him, pulling him close again. Kakashi grumbled a little in his sleep at the motion but relaxed back into Iruka, an unconscious display of trust that even after all these years still filled Iruka’s chest with affection until he felt like he might burst. Kakashi truly was the most ridiculous and impossible man Iruka had ever met… The 0.1% indeed. But if he really meant what Iruka thought he meant… Well, Iruka was more than willing to sign up.

But, God, Anko was going to be insufferable when she found out.

**Author's Note:**

> (Extra cookies to anyone who can pick out the references to Ludacris's What's Your Fantasy or The West Wing)


End file.
